Sure, you'd recognize the signature long torso and squat little legs of a Dachshund anywhere, but you can't possibly know a Dachshund until you have one. From their adorably loyal personalities to their very particular potty preferences, this is a breed that places a distinct hot dog-shaped mark on the heart of anyone lucky enough to call them family. When you meet a fellow Doxie mom or dad, it's only a matter of minutes before you're laughing and commiserating about life with such a silly little weiner.
1. It's all about the food. Dachshunds love food the way Donald Trump loves Donald Trump. They are obsessed with their food, your food, and anything that can be considered food (see also: your underwear.) They live life with a singular question: Is it time to eat yet?
2. A manicured lawn is a must. And a temperate forecast, too. Think you can put off mowing the lawn for a few days? Think again. Dachshunds take personal offense when their outdoor bathroom does not have ideal conditions—namely, short grass that doesn't graze their bellies and zero precipitation. If these conditions cannot be met, Doxies have no problem adapting. On your carpet.
3. Stain-fighting becomes your superpower. Speaking of your carpet, having a Dachshund will have you mastering every stain-fighting secret ever pinned on Pinterest, one of which is keeping the local steam cleaner on speed dial. Why? See above.
4. Burrowing is an art and a science. While their ancestors burrowed under logs and roots to hunt badgers, the modern Doxie burrows under blankets and sheets to hunt the warmest spot next to your toes. It's quite a thing to behold, and an effective heating system in the winter.
5. Look up stubborn in the dictionary. There is a picture of a Dachshund standing resolute, daring you to give up first in whatever game of chicken you have suddenly found yourself in with them.
6. That bark does not match that body. So cute and petite is the Dachshund, you might expect a charming little bark to go with it. In the combo meal of attributes, the Dachshund got a biggie-sized bark. Encounter it from behind a closed door and you'd never know that the dog on the other side looks adorable in a hot dog bun costume.
7. Mini can still be mighty. Physics majors could write dissertations on the force of the Dachshund's low center of gravity. Fifteen pounds can suddenly transform into fifteen tons if a Doxie decides to bear down and not leave this mailbox until she has had ample time to smell all four sides of the post three times and peed in front of the flowers.
8. They've never met a squeaky toy they didn't like. More accurately, Dachshunds have never met a squeaky toy they didn't like to dissect in a matter of minutes, retrieve the tiny plastic squeaker, and spray the entire room with stuffing like something out of a crime scene.
9. The mafia has nothing on them. With a Dachshund, it's a lifelong love. You are the center of their universe and will always enjoy a level of devotion that only exists in 80s power ballads and organized crime. They want to be with you always, defending your honor (and your property), and going with you everywhere. Even into the bathroom.
10. They're only human. Please don't tell Doxies that they aren't a biological son/daughter/sibling/spouse. It would break their hearts. Just go with it. Sure they've got their quirks and foibles, but who doesn't? Being a dog has never gotten in their way of being human.